LilMrST's Journey into Buddhism [Finale]

Entry by 1128 - LilMrST

Warning: The following entry might change your opinion about me because of my past. If that happens, I am cool and can accept it. :-)

I was feeling lost, abandoned, confused, and miserable and had no guidance. I got to know a guy who was much older than me and thought that he could take care of me so I put 100% trust in him. Little did I know that he added much more to my misery until I was kinda depressed and suicidal. I became a compulsive alcoholic, smoker and a total goner. My self esteem was down to zero, my life had no meaning at all. I was sober only on Monday, Tuesday and sometimes Wednesday. The rest of the days, I was heavily intoxicated before I slept.

But, you know what? I managed to conceal it within myself so tightly that even my close friends (that time I was in poly) didn’t have a clue. To everyone, my life was pretty good and normal. They only knew that I had an on and off relationship with the guy. Nothing else. Only my dog knew what was happening to me. But he died a young age from (what everyone thought) drinking my nail polish remover (later the guy admitted that he killed the dog and made it look like my dog drank the liquid because he was jealous my dog was very close to me!!!! SICK!!!).

Yes, I was sick with my life and wanted to improve it. I went to temples and prayed but I needed something more. My parents were introduced to Tibetan Buddhism by their friends. My dad even went to the monastery in Nepal two times. In the end, they took refuge under a Rinpoche from Nyingma school. They told me about it and encouraged me to embrace it as well. I started searching for a centre in Singapore but didn’t seem to find one that was suitable for me. My mum helped me to get in touch with Tibetan Buddhism by informing me the time when the Rinpoche came to Singapore so that I could meet up with him and see how thing went from there. Strange, of all the number of time the Rinpoche was in Singapore, I just could not meet up with him. There was so much hindrances in between that it looked like I was chasing over something that was not existent.

I managed to pass through the 3 years polytechnic with quite a good result (could be better) despite not having a proper condition to study for most of the exams. I was offered a very good job (read: very good job with a very good pay) in SingTel. Things started to get better for me. My family had settled down pretty good in Australia and I visited them a few times. My fate with the guy came to a total abrupt end when he was stalking, blackmailing, threatening and haunting me. I had to call the police, moved to another place, changed my phone number, etc, etc.

All these times, I was still chasing Tibetan Buddhism and looked around for a Guru to teach me but to no avail. Soon, I was close to a nice guy who brought me to church and guided me along. Well, I thought I finally found what I wanted because I was feeling peaceful after I went to church. I was in the church for two years. I had a lot of support there and was planning to go for a Bible study and be baptized. After a while, however, I realized that my heart still felt empty and lost. Every time I went to the church, I would just cry for no apparent reason and felt very, very sorrowful. It also happened when I was not in church later and soon it affected my mood. Again, I was not feeling very happy inside.

After a serious thought, I realized that I missed Buddhism. I remembered the time when I was enthusiastically learning Buddhism. I wanted to have the feeling again. So, I searched for some Buddhism materials in the internet and reminisced the teaching that I had before. I began exploring Tibetan Buddhism more intensively and thought maybe I could ‘chase’ after it again.

At that time, Drophenling was advertising for a five-day event at Kallang Carpark H, lead by HH. 101 Ganden Tripa. I went to the centre and signed up for the event. As I was working with my dad, my time was flexible and able to attend even the morning and afternoon pujas along with the night events. I was feeling happy and peaceful once again. At that moment, I was sure that I found the one that I was looking for. Moreover, the people in the centre were especially nice, thoughtful and equally enthusiastic about the teaching. I sensed no pretence, no harmful feeling, everything was so sincere and genuine.

So, that’s when I got hooked up with you guys. It really feels wonderful to be in the circle of people who have the same goal. Soon, I was able to pick up myself again and maintained it that way. Event after event, I was convinced that I was in for the right path. I learned more about Buddhism, especially Tibetan Buddhism. I did more reading about the teaching. I was able to receive many good teachings from many high Gurus. I was given an opportunity to visit a sacred monastery, to donate, to accumulate positive merits. Basically, I was given a chance to practice Dharma so much more in my whole entire life. That really changed me into a so much better person. I could see the true meaning of life and treasure it more. My mood and temper is so much even now than previously, I could not believe it. When something bad happened, I could handle it better without any negative feeling. Overall, my life has improved and I am happy inside.

All these thanks to Drophenling, to my dear friends in the centre (both the young ones and the old ones), to the Gurus and the monks, to the monastery, to my parents, as well as to those bad situations I had experienced. Without all these elements, I dun think I would be able to appreciate Buddhism in a better way and embrace it as something close to me. It is not just about praying for some good things, it is not just about merely accumulating merits, it is more than that. It is about understanding the teaching, practicing what you have learned, gaining your wisdom, clearing the ignorance and going back to our true Buddha nature and in the end, achieving enlightenment so that you will be able to help the others, too. These are the things that I would like to seek in life and I am glad that I am able to do it now.

So, A BIG THANKS AND APPRECIATION TO ALL OF YOU IN THE LOOP OF BLISS for being part of my journey into Buddhism!!!!!! We will achieve our goal together because WE ARE DEPENDENT ON EACH OTHER …. lol …